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Bologna sandwiches are parents way of saying... it`s my legal obligation to feed you something.
Pro tip: when you have a drug test and they tell you to go to the bathroom in the cup, that means PEE. Always.
Sometimes the best helping hand you can give is a good, firm push
Unless you discovered a dead body, I don`t want to hear about your morning jog.
FYI: Taking permanent marker and writting Aeropostale on Fruit of the Loom tee shirts will NOT fool your teenager.
The only yoga stretch I’ve perfected is the yawn.
Not to brag, but I don`t even need alcohol to make really bad decisions.
For over 20 years, I thought Bon Jovi gave love a Band-Aid
The differance between flirting and sexual harrassment ... If you`re attrative, it`s flirting.
i wasnt tht drunk u was holding a ballon thinking it was a comdom
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair
NyQuil is great. I love the way it comes with it´s own shot glass
I once dated a Rockette with Tourette`s. Talk about kicking and screaming!
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.
Throw a stranger a surprise party by putting confetti inside their closed umbrella when they’re not looking!