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If playing Grand Theft Auto makes you violent, why hasn`t 25 years of me playing Madden made me a professional football player?
You say peeping tom. I say highly active member of the neighborhood watch.
When I try to fold fitted sheets it looks like I’m in an infomercial that’s exaggerating how difficult it is to fold fitted sheets.
Its a shame I don`t have 5 incomes to go with my 5 personalities.. Damn free loaders
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
Best of luck explaining why you’re still single at Thanksgiving and Charles Manson isn’t.
Well aren`t you a f*cking waste of two billion years of evolution.
Last night I had this awesome dream, where I fought this huge fat ninja and knocked him out with my super power punch. I`d tell you more but I have to take my wife to the doctor. She has this mysterious black eye.
It`s amazing how I come up with my best status updates when I`m in the shower or when I`m driving. I think it has a lot to do with me being naked.
When I say lol, I don`t literally mean I laughed out loud. What I actually mean is that I made a loud outward breath through my nose, similar to a bull.
It`s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
If you tell people you used to weigh 500 pounds they`ll tell you how great you look at 250.
Whoever said you can’t “like” your own status is just not awesome enough to do it.
Moral compass? Is there an app for that?
I liked Hoarders much better when it was called Sanford & Son.