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I look forward to the day that cell phone technology finally catches up with technology in digital watches and they release a model that is water resistant up to 100 meters.
Kill them with kindness ..and then fart as you walk away
My girlfriend said that I should use the term `make love` instead of `f*ck.` What the make love is she talking about?
Is the CEO of Kraft also known as The Big Cheese?
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
I’d be much more interested in meeting people if I didn’t think most people were idiots.
All I want is some ketchup packets placed in the bag, without having to ask!
When you`re tucking your kids in at night, read them a few select Facebook statuses, kiss them on the forehead and whisper "This is why we must stay in school."
I`m sorry we fought ... I hate it when you`re wrong.
They say that money talks, but mine just waves goodbye.
My life has a surprising lack of dance battles.
Getting my kids to the airport always feels like I`m recreating the first 10 minutes of "Home Alone."
I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.
Get Dora and Boots on this missing plane case now, Dora solves the case everytime
If you get pulled over, ignore the cop and tell him that your mommy told you not to talk to strangers.