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My girlfriend called me up and said "Come on over to my place. No one`s home!" I went over. No one was home.
Super Bowl Sunday, the one day of the year that DVR`s are used to watch commercials, instead of skip them!
You’re going to make some cats very happy one day.
People that walk behind cars get exhausted
This empty wallet looks like I`ll be laughing obnoxiously at some guy`s awful jokes in a bar tonight.
The package says "Do not eat raw cookie dough" but all I really see is "Pillsbury hates you and doesn`t want you to be happy."
I will not be impressed with technology until I can download food from the internet.
On your birthday I think the Airlines should let you exit the plane on the inflatable slide.
Today`s Generation: "Omg my parents never let me have anything." via iPhone
This "NORMAL" you speak of, doesn`t sound fun at all.
Checked my bank balance at the ATM and was happy to see I had 707 dollars in it until I realized I was holding the receipt upside down and it said LOL instead.
Marriage lets you annoy one special person for the rest of your life.
Just heard some guy yell "F**K!" ... I thought this was impressive because not many people can pronounce asterisks.
has a Massive drinking problem ... there is no alcohol in the house!
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.