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I love screwing with the minds of the foreign tech support guys. "My name is Perry, not Terry. With a P as in Pterodactyl."
I heard an ex got run down by a bus today. I thought "Wow, that could have been me!" But then, I can`t drive a bus..
I finally figured out why men love belly rings so much on their women. It reminds them of the staple in the middle of their porn magazines!
My daughter wants to know when the hamster we "planted" in the garden will start growing.
When I see a man with long fingernails, my first thought is wizard. My second thought is virgin wizard.
If I was a funeral director, I would tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.Then the zombie apocalypse would be hilarious.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
I get a little nervous before saying Worcestershire sauce.
That awkward moment when your parents don’t appreciate the hilarious child they have.
Apparently people will pay to be subjected to medieval torture devices if you call the place a "gym."
I love Christmas presents wrapped in bubble wrap... it`s like two gifts in one!!
Anyone who knows me obviously knows a shit ton about awesomeness.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don`t want to look like a dork.
"Wish You Were Beer!" Wait...no...that`s right...send.
I’m drinking something. I`ll give you a hint: It starts with a B and rhymes with....um..... “beer.”