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Any perfume that claims it will help you seduce a man is lying if it doesn’t smell like a pizza.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
Be friend with stupid people.., feel like genius all the time
Got bored today so I dressed up in tan pants and a blue shirt then went into Best Buy and quit.
The doctor said I need to drink more whiskey....Oh, by the way... I`m calling myself "the doctor" now.
I have a few skeletons in my closet. But, every single one of them deserved it.
Most people don’t act stupid – it’s the real thing.
Porn is the only type of entertainment where "not watching the whole thing" means it was good.
If I were a pilot I would scream “WE’RE GOING DOWN” every time I landed the plane.
I just got an email telling me how I can have fuller, firmer breasts. I can`t wait to show them to my wife!!
It`s not that I like watching midget porn, it`s just that my phone screen is too small to watch regular porn.
Note to self: you never read these notes so stop writing them.
SEX! Now that I got your attention. I just wanted to say, "Have a great weekend!"
There should be a law requiring the cashier to high five you every time you buy a box of condoms.
In your face with a can of mace, make you cry all over the place!!