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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
This lady thinks repeatedly pushing the already-lit elevator button will summon it faster. I think I’ll push ALL the buttons when we get in.
After listening to what some people have to say, I am rethinking the importance this whole freedom of speech thing.
People don`t want the ugly truth, they would prefer a beautiful lie.
English = Hello. Spanish = Hola. French = Bonjour. Japanese = Konnichiwa. Chinese = Nî Hâo. Italian = Ciao. Me = Sup B*tches.
I`ve seen more pins in the last few days then stone cold steve austin on groundhog day..
Pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer pretend it`s a beer.....me trying not to drop a child
Nothing is more discouraging that unappreciated sarcasm.
Boobs are like model trains. They were originally for children but grown men always want to play with them.
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
She lost me at, "I don`t watch football."
I never want to go to sleep less than I do at bed time.
Apparently, the average person looks at their phone 150 times a day. Not me. I look at it just once. For about 12 hours.
I`m starting to wish I were a werewolf so I`d have a better reason for waking up nude in public with no memory of how I got there.
Attention...my facebook page has been hacked. But everyone seems to like the new guy better, me too actually...so f**k it!