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Only in math problems you can buy 60 watermelons and nobody asks what the hell is wrong with you.
My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator, where I couldn`t reach them. Then leave chemicals right under the sink.
So how old does a highway have to be before you tell him he`s adopted?
Women have to deal with periods, pregnancy, childbirth, menopause and hot flashes. Men have to deal with women.
I wonder how many identical twins are walking around now with the wrong names because their parents got them confused as infants and never figured it out.
Life is like a bowl of soup; you only get blown if you`re hot.
I just did a bunch of crunches and curls. There were Nestle Crunches and cheese curls, but still. I`m exhausted.
I`m sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they`ve won the Canadian lottery.
The reason grilled cheese sandwiches and tomato soup are such a great combination is because they are the same basic ingredients as pizza.
I swear my toddler yells at me in Vietnamese
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Everybody reaches a point in their lives when they die.
I was driving thru Farmville and I had to pee ... so I pulled over and fertilized your crops
Whenever I receive a text saying bahaha, I like to believe you are a sheep on drugs.
I hope daylight savings time doesnt throw me off my schedule of doing nothing.