Daily Silly Status

"My phone`s about to die." -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call

Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.

Sober me makes plans and drunk me cancels them. Its a good system.

A new study has found that women find it seven times easier to read men’s facial expressions than men have reading women’s. That’s mostly because we’re not looking at their faces ...

Dear Equifax hackers, Please delete my student loan balance, my medical bills and change my credit score to 850. Thanks.

If anyone could do it, it wouldn`t be called PROcrastination.

All I ask is that if we arm the teachers, that the librarians get silencers.

I bet everyone in Gotham prisons really hates the guy that killed Bruce Wayne`s parents.

I said "sad face emoji" instead of actually frowning today if you want to know how out of touch with reality I am.

Sometimes, you wonder what the hell the music video has to do with the song.

I told my girlfriend I`m Harry Potter`s Godfather... She laughed hard and said "you can`t be Sirius"

Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn`t stop that murder.

I bet cats are mad they can’t sit on televisions anymore.

In honor of this years` Super Bowl participants respective States of residence, they`ve changed kickoff to 4:20 Eastern Standard time.

I can keep a secret… It’s all the other people I tell it to who can’t.