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My wife is pissed at me again. Apparently I`m breathing wrong.
"Love is all we need."-Said a wise man 40 years ago. He obviously has never had a computer
I know I`m in trouble when the voice in my head starts using my middle name
I can`t face my checkbook so I check my Facebook.
I wonder what my dog has named me?
Secret Admirers are just stalkers with good PR.
The best part of waking up is.....wait, I didn`t think this through entirely.
Not sure if I need sex, sleep, or to punch someone in the face.
Come on snooze button, is 9 minutes all you have to offer...I need something in the 2-3 hour range.
Pandora has taught me that a lot of the music I love is very similar to music I absolutely hate.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
Liam Neeson trained Batman, Obi Wan, and Darth Vader. He is both Aslan and Zeus…and he punches wolves. Why would you kidnap his family?
I knew we would be the best of friends when you said drinks are on you
Walmart does not have a dildo section. But it`s always fun to ask their employees if they do.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!