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Eggnog is perfect for when you feel like drinking a glass of pancake batter.
Got kicked out of the hospital. Apparently the “head nurse” is just the one in charge of the other nurses.
I`ll be back before you can pronounce actillimandataquerin altosapaoyabayadoondib ab!
One time I snuck a whole rotisserie chicken into a movie, cause candy is for amateurs.
With Halo 4, Black Ops II and Assasins Creed III, I think November might register the lowest teen pregnancy rates in a long time!
Much of my life is a contest to see which of the voices in my head can say the funniest stuff.
Kinda surprised I`m not an action figure by now.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
If any of you have gotten any weird texts from me recently, its because my phone is working fine and I`m just trying to make you feel uncomfortable.
We are living in a generation where Vampires are sparkly,Werevolves are gay and Witches wear leather pants.
Spice up your Facebook experience by making your status updates your google searches.
Just once I`d like to see a stripper do the "Carlton" on stage.
Apparently when your girlfriend says "f*ck that bitch", you`re not supposed to take her seriously.
I’m not implying you’re stupid. I’m saying it outright. Here, I wrote it in crayon to help you understand.
My penis was in the Guinness book of World Records. Then the librarian told me I had to take it out before she called security.