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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Feeling bored? Go to a clothing store and put "one size fits all" stickers on the bras.
Taking shots of Tequila is just another way of saying, "I like where I wake up to always be a surprise."
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Remember the good old days when LOL meant "Laugh out loud" and not "I can`t think of a good reply"?
I thought my name was "Stop encouraging him" until I was 11.
Life Tip: Tell your guests your house was just broken into and fake cry, they will clean it for free!
The woman that just drove past me was either doing a huge yawn or her brakes have failed....
I laughed more at the Broncos offense then I did at the commercials.
Still have my French Maid costume in case any of you have a dirty house. I`ll be happy to sit there and look sexy while your wife cleans....
I`m not saying my ex wasn`t pretty, but every time my wallet got stolen the thief would return her picture.
Statement: "Do you really love me?" True Meaning: "Ive done something stupid and youre going to find out sooner or later."
WARNING: Every single thing I post from here on in, is alcohol induced.
I hate it when I tell someone I`ll be there in 10 minutes, but they continue to call me every half-hour anyway
If I didn’t drink, how would my friends know I loved them at 2AM?