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Optimism? Sure, it`s worth a try. I don`t see how acting like an eye doctor is gonna help, but whatever.
eBay sellers - just because you`ve dug your suit/dress out of the back of your wardrobe doesn`t make it vintage. #JustOldAndSmelly
Nothing is more dangerous than a woman “gathering her thoughts”.
The self-checkout line was a miracle for the condom industry.
God is creative, I mean just look at me.
Don`t forget to turn your clocks back today if you want them to be set to the wrong time.
The best part about being a pathological liar is flying my helicopter to my private island.
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, "I think it`s Santa Claus!" so I don`t have to get up.
Friends don’t let friends twerk.
is running out of excuses for the stupid things I do. Please submit suggestions below.
I like how the nice people of Sesame Street all know that Oscar the Grouch lives in that can, and yet they still stuff their trash into it.
Kids today will never know the frustration of having to rewind their dads porn tapes to the exact same spot...
Halloween is great because kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
The voices in my head are not real, but they have good ideas.
The only time I’ve passionately knocked everything off a table was when I was trying to make room for a pizza.