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Idk what was worse, the fact that my girlfriend text me saying “sorry breaking up with you” or that a minute later she text me back “sorry wrong number.”
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets?
There’s no excuse for my behavior, so I’m drinking until I have one.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Massaging the shoulders of the person in front of you at the Redbox machine will usually help them make up their mind faster.
What can I do today that is only going to happen once in a blue moon?
Once again I`ve woken up without super powers. Sigh
The perfect time for a snack is while you’re waiting for another snack to finish cooking.
If anyone has any terrible ideas, I`ve historically been very open to them.
Best Pregnancy T-Shirt… “9 Months Sober”
If you find a four-leaf clover it means you have entirely too much time on your hands.
Soon ovens will come with webcams and wireless connections so that posting photos of your dinner will be even easier.
Never underestimate the power of cleavage.
Being in the friend zone is like being the guy in the band who plays that little triangle.
Clearly if you have to blame yourself, you`re not hanging out with enough people.