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I`m a huge fan of screaming "You`re welcome" really loud when people don`t say thank you...
On the highway, getting passed by a minivan is the football equivalent to getting tackled by the kicker.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, try returning them.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I`m gone.
It only takes 2 ingredients to make a baby. Does that not blow your mind. Like at least there should be some flour or something.
The most beautiful things in the world cannot be seen or even touched. At least, that`s what the restraining order says.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
The easiest way to find out if a movie is on Netflix is to simply ask yourself "do I want to see it?" If you do, it`s not on Netflix.
Sometimes I wish I could officially change "Hump Day" into "Smack-A-Dumb-Bitch-In-The-Face" Day.
The sucking moment when you wave to someone & they haven`t noticed you & all are watching you & you feel why you waved in the first place & still you run after the person to stop & say HI
You know you`re old when you come close to shaving your nipple off while trying to shave your legs!
I`m 0-9 on finding secret rooms behind bookcases.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
Why is it all the good things in life are either illegal, immoral, impossible, addictive, or fattening?
“I’m sorry” and “my bad” mean the same thing… Unless you’re at a funeral.