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Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.
To the squirrel carrying the mushroom up a tree to his nest: you may want to eat that with your feet firmly on the ground, buddy.
I have a life, I have the best life in the world. Oh wait sitting around watching Netflix and eating pizza rolls isn`t a life. I guess i was wrong then. :( bummer
My new years resolution was to lose 30 pounds by the end of summer. I`ve only got 40 pounds to go.
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
Men are trained from birth that happiness comes from either boobs or a bottle.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
My Ex updated her status to "standing on the edge of a cliff" So I "poked" her!
It may appear like I`m doing nothing, but i`m actively waiting for my problems to go away!!!
Wait,,,, What does it mean when my bride uses air quotes during the vows???
If you cry loudly enough, your boss will usually let you go home.
Never piss off the person that cooks your dinner ... EVER!
No matter where you live, there’s always 1 light switch that doesn’t do anything.
Relationship has 12 letters, but then again so does alcohollllll