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i am not so think, as you drunk i am
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I never forget a breast, I mean face. I never forget a face.
I wish "it`s the thought that counts" worked for housework.
I dont understand these pregnancy test things, so I took another one just to be sure. Just as I thought, its negitive, we`re not pregnant! Now how am I going to tell my wife she is just fat.
Some people can’t sleep because they have insomnia. I can’t sleep because I have Internet.
Life before the computer: Memory was something that you lost with age. An application was for employment. A program was a TV show. A cursor used profanity. A keyboard was a piano. A web was a spider’s home. A virus was the flu. A CD was a bank account. A hard drive was a long trip on the road. A mouse pad was where a mouse lived. And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy…you just hoped nobody found out.
If Tetris has taught me anything it`s that errors pile up and accomplishments disappear.
On Mondays I like to reply to all my bosses emails with `unsubscribe`
I wonder how many 5 Hour Energy`s it would take to levitate?
Just read a book on quantum evolution. The idea is that quantum mechanics are involved in the process of evolution. I still say go to WalMart and then try to sell me on evolution....
The trouble with being punctual is that nobody`s there to appreciate it.
That awkward moment when the creepy guy in the white van doesn`t have candy...
I have a condition that renders me unable to go on a diet… I get hungry.