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I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
I`ve come to terms with the fact that I will never experience leftover pizza.
During sex, my wife always wants to talk to me? Just the other night she called me from some hotel.
Steve Jobs` text was meant to say: "I reign as CEO of Apple" Iphone autocorrect strikes again!
Dear American Express, can you raise my debt ceiling?? Thx, bro.
Never compliment a woman on her sideburns ... no matter how magnificent they look.
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit?
I overheard 2 girls say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
This company doesn`t know how much of an asset I am.. Or an ass-sit. They really should pay more attention.
The best part about going to Wal-Mart is having the book aisles all to yourself.
I don`t have a police record ... but I think I do have a Sting cd around here somewhere.
So far,,, I`ve spent 300% of this week exaggerating.
My weight loss goal is to not care about the crumbs at the bottom of a Pringles can.
Do you ever get the feeling that you`re being watched? Because if it`s bothering you, I`ll stop.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.