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If I go sleep at 6 in the morning, does it mean I go to sleep early or late?
So how many women out there think men are pigs? Gimme a show of tits!
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you`ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
Ladies, life is short. So buy the shoes!
My house looks like I`m losing a game of Jumanji.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
When I win the lottery, the first thing I`m going to buy is a pot to piss in. I`ve always wanted one of those.
Nobody on television curses more than the Roadrunner.
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
I only use elevators for one thing. Surprise group hugs
I don`t know why people freak out and run when they see a spider. They are just gonna climb in your mouth when you are sleeping anyway.
Given how enormous the universe is, I assume there’s an alien out there who does a mocking impression of me. Screw you, alien.
I’ve found the best way to learn your co-workers’ names is by eating their food in the office fridge
I went around the block with my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
Trying to master the art of eating a powdered donut without looking like I just left Charlie Sheen`s house.