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Premature ejaculation and hide and seek have one thing in common. 1 2 3 ready or not here I come.
Nothing makes you feel more insignificant than still having 85% battery at noon.
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
In my porno they`d deliver the pizza after they had sex because otherwise it`d just get cold.
None of my friends laugh at any of my jokes because cats can only meow.
Chase you? ... B!tch please, I don`t even chase my liquor.
Let`s be honest. If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made cows faster.
EVERY Friday is good in my book!
The only person that can procrastinate more than me hasn`t even been born yet.
ready for bed - gunna give my sheets some arse and my pillows head;]
It’s funny how 1 text, 1 song, 1 mistake, 1 lie, 1 truth, and 1 person could change your mood in 1 second.
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
The light does go out in the fridge ... Now I have to wait for someone to let me out.
Ringing in the “New Year” apparently is not a valid excuse for showing up to work 3 hours late… in October.
For just once in my life I want my phone to ring and for someone on the other end to ask if I`m on a `secure line`