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Cop: There was no else going anywhere nearly as fast as you! Me: I know. I was winning.
That`s not chapstick in my front pocket.
I want the job where you push scared skydivers out of the plane...
When people on Facebook say they lost their phone and need everyone’s numbers again, I text them: “Guess who?” for 2 weeks.
Sometimes putting on pants is the hardest part of my day.
I`ve been told that I can be condescending... that means that I tend to talk down to people.
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
If at first you don’t succeed, look in the trash for the instructions.
Fingerprints are proof that God doesn`t trust us
Not sure yet why this cookie dough has baking instructions on the package.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
People who describe things as "better than sex" are obviously having the wrong kind of sex.
I don’t care what women say, size matters in bed. The bigger the bed the more room you have to move around.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.