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Doctor told me I only have 6 months to live, maybe 12 if I get enough likes on Facebook.
When a bird bangs into your window, do you wonder if God is playing angry birds
I decided I`m not doing the whole clock-back routine this year. If you need me, I`ll be in the frickin future.
When I`m bored I like to dress in a grim reaper costume and stand across the street from the nursing home and wave at the old folks.
Someone asked me how much love was worth and I couldn’t answer because alimony is calculated differently in each state.
My local hairdresser just got arrested for selling drugs. Unbelievable! I`ve been her customer for 10 years and had no clue she was a hairdresser!
did you notice when you yell "yo ugly" about 10 people turn around
Thank you Pringles for being the only chip company that doesn`t sell air.
I got in touch with my feminine side today... I made myself a sandwich.
If the world dosen`t end on the 21st, I sure do have a lot of MREs to gift wrap.
If we could master the look dogs have when we’re eating in front of them, we’d be able to have sex with any woman at will.
This is the only comment you should be leaving on porn sites: “Why are you doing this? Please come home. Your mother and I are heartbroken.”
How do Amish girls know if it`s a romantic candle lit dinner or just a regular one #DeepThoughts
These are not pizza stains on my shirt they are pizza memories, wonderful wonderful memories.
If you think buying condoms is awkward, you should try returning them.