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Here`s a thought: Let`s let the illegal Mexicans stay and send the whining crybabies to Mexico. At least the illegal Mexicans are willing to work.
Ideal roommate: Someone not smart enough to know they are paying 80% of the rent.
If I had a nickel for everytime I told myself I`d quit smoking, I could buy a lot more cigarettes
Marriage: It`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
A drunk man walks into a bar...but enough about me...
My car said "low on fuel"..I replied "low on cash"..I`m still waiting for a reply..
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I took up the game of Golf recently. . .but I had too much trouble getting through that windmill.
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
I can’t afford Disney World so we go to the biggest hill on my street and my kids wait an hour before I roll them down in my office chair.
Remember bad decisions make the best stories!!!
Life hack: If you keep your mouth shut, no one will know you`re so stupid
Happy 4th of July ! ... It`s a holiday. You know what that means... Ten million status updates saying the exact same thing. Get ready.
You know it was a good sh!t when you come back and your screensaver is on.
I`m surprised people still ask me if I want to hold their baby given the number of times I`ve dropped my phone.