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If, in your relationship, you hear "You`re suffocating me", you`re probably not holding down the pillow hard enough.
Please say a prayer for my coworker. His life is so boring that he just Instagrammed his Jimmy Johns sandwich
"I love Justin bieber" well I love McDonalds but you don`t see me making an account pretending to be a f*cking chicken nugget do you...
It`s Friday! High-five some sh!t!
My arm fell asleep, which is understandable, considering how boring the rest of my body has been.
I wonder how much a zebra would cost if you scan it…
I`m starting to get that "f*ck it" attitude about everything..
If a 747 can carry a f*cking space shuttle on its back, I’m calling bullsh!t on an overweight baggage charge.
If at first you don`t succeed, try drinking a beer while you do it. You`ll be amazed of how much less you care..
Some people just need to be clothes lined
Why is the guy who serves you at the restaurant called a waiter, when it is you that is waiting?
I have discovered that theirs no popcorn in popcorn chicken. I guess there`s no point in bothering with hash browns then.
I fold down my laptop screen very slowly at night so I don`t squish you guys.
is sick and tired and tired of being sick and sick of being tired!
Apparently my "Please STFU" face bears a strong resemblance to my "Oh, Please Keep Talking" face.