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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
I don’t care if it’s 4 A.M. I don’t consider it “tomorrow” until I wake up.
Been waiting at the pub for my wife to pick me up for hours now. How long does it take to have a baby, for Christs sake.
I think for Halloween I am going to go as Karma. Some of you should be worried.
It`s a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships.
Never make eye contact while eating a banana
Everything I like is expensive, illegal, or won’t text me back.
Pringles should make their containers like a Push Up Pop.
You are not stupid, I just think you have bad luck when thinking.
Batman had the bat signal. If you need to get my attention, hold a Roast Beef Sandwich over a floor lamp and aim it at my apartment.
My package finally came today. this is awesome....it means I have bubble wrap to play with
They say you`ve got to spend money to make money. Feel like there`s some middle step I`ve been missing?
My insomnia is getting worse. I was wide awake all day at work yesterday.
I was discussing with my friend about the popular trends on sex, marriage and values. He says to me, "I didn’t sleep with my wife before we got married, did you?" I replied. "I’m not sure, what was her maiden name?"
My family tree is a cactus, we`re all pricks.