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I always like to keep a nice photo of myself for my Facebook profile pic because that is the picture that will be splashed all over the news when I finally go off the deep end.
I`ve noticed more and more little kids with cell phones and social networks. What does a kindergartner have to tweet about? "I`m getting better at drawing in the lines!" #cantwaitforstorytime
I fell off the wagon because I was too drunk to keep my balance
If cats had wings, they would still just lay there.
When will vegeterians stop eating my food`s food??
My sister says god`s greatest gifts are unanswered prayers, so I bought her a vibrator because she`s obviously never had an orgasm.
Bathtub` spelled backwards is still `bathtub`. It`s not, but for a second there, you believed me.
"The more the merrier": My excuse for extra food.
You can either agree with me, or you can be wrong.
The only reason I keep my land line is for the eventuality that this is The Matrix.
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
The inside of my fridge: evidence that I’m still not a real adult.
I bet if you asked a one-eyed person, they`d tell you it really WAS all fun and games up until that point.
I’m bored. Anyone need anything avenged?