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I made a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number one: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes? Hurt like hell.
Today would be a great day to leave a note on a random car that says "I know what you did".
I do procrastinate more than I should, but it always gives me something to do tomorrow...
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
"I just launched a new fragrance!" - a great way to announce a fart
The unplanned moments tend to be the best ones.
You know what else looks like a ring and has lots of power over people? Donuts.
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
Ice cream is clearly God`s way of telling us he likes us a little bit chubby.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
When children shy away, I say, "I don`t bite. Not hard anyway!" Then I laugh and bite them hard. They need to understand life`s not easy.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Stop procrastinating. Join Hokey Pokey Anonymous today and turn that life around!
The toughest part of a lesbian relationship is deciding who gets to be the one who`s always right.