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Teleportation seems like an awesome idea until the creepy guy from down the street is suddenly washing your back in the shower.
I told my psychiatrist that I`ve been hearing voices. He told me that I don`t have a psychiatrist.
All guys should learn from Mario Bros. No matter how far their princess is, they should go after her.
Don`t half a$$ anything. F*ck it up all the way.
My wife is so annoying. "Do you think I`m sexy? Am I hot? How gorgeous am I? Do I have a nice ass?" I just want her to answer me.
If it rains on a dream catcher, does that make it a wet dream catcher?
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
I bet if the movie "mirrors" releases part 3, the 1st victim will die while trying to take a selfie
I`m so hot I stalk myself ;)
Not remembering where I set my drink down must be the same feeling parents have when they lose their four year old at the mall.
The police never think its as funny as you do.
I wish I could smack the stupid out of people. And if you think this status is about you ... Smack yourself for me!
The text message is the new greeting card, but without any hope that there will be money inside.
To be clever can be difficult without caffiene.
I wonder what my future wife is doing right now ... Hopefully modeling.