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If it hurts when you pee, urine trouble.
Insert coin to view my status message.
My gift horse is facing the wrong way
I enjoy long romantic walks to the fridge.
Roses are red. Violets are blue. Faces like yours belong in the zoo. Don’t be mad, I’ll be there too. Not in the cage but laughing at you.
Irons are like 1000 degrees, who`s bright idea was it to make an ironing board the flimsiest contraption ever made?
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
My dog reminds me of my ex. She doesn`t pull her weight financially and she`s scared of the vacuum.
I`m only 30 lbs away from my New Year`s resolution to lose 20 lbs!!
When I see a cute couple making out I yell, ” I knew you’re seeing somebody else!” and run crying.
Nothing says I have faith in God like the bullet proof glass on the Pope`s car.
Depending on the boob, the Bra is either the best or worst invention ever.
I wonder if monsters ever get scared that we might be hiding under their bed?
Nothing`s more embarrassing than that pantsless walk to get more toilet paper. I felt like everyone in CVS was staring at me.
Probably a good thing I`m not a ghost cause I`d just stay in the kitchen and scare people then eat all their food.