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Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
What kind of jerk makes an anti-anxiety pill difficult to break in half?
If a man doesn`t drink when he`s living, how in the hell can he drink when he`s dead?
Be wary of someone who calls all their exes crazy. They`re probably the reason.
My life is the intersection between having too much caffeine and constantly yawning.
Although tequila is highly toxic, it can be used to dissolve the friend zone.
A few bad decisions really liven up a boring day.
This silly farmers market doesn`t have any locally grown pizza.
The girl on the flyer is never at the club.
I want someone to look at me the way I look at cupcakes.
Five second rule? Pfft. What`s the point of having an immune system if you`re not going to use it?
My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy. I came back drunk.
“Have you tried just eating a ton of pizza?”- me as a therapist
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80`s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Pizza delivery cars should be allowed to use sirens.