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Who needs dance lessons when you`ve got alcohol?!
I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Some people are more confused then a chameleon in a packet of Skittles.
My mom never allowed violent video games. Just family-friendly board games with questions like, "Who murdered this guy with a pipe?"
So much to say. So not drunk enough to say it.
Scientists say the Universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons and Electrons... They forgot to add Morons.
Ironing boards are just surf boards that gave up their dreams and got real jobs.
Sometimes I just go on Facebook to see who has been dumped and who is pregnant.
If someone found a legit way to make penises bigger, no one would believe them.
If you think you have problems, remember that Malaysian man who told his wife he was flying to China... and now he can`t get out of his girlfriend`s apartment...
When people say they work like a dog, I look at mine and think they must mean they just lay around all day and poop wherever they feel like.
Honey, You really don`t need to drive me crazy, I am close enough to walk.
That one day of fame on Facebook because it`s your birthday.
Happiness comes from within. That`s why it always feels so good to fart.
They say 15 minutes of exercise every day will add 3 years to your life. The problem is that it adds the 3 years to your 80s not your 30s.