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Not sure if my dog is barking for no reason or I’m about to be murdered.
People often say laughter is the best medicine, but they neglect to mention that an overdose can cause one’s a$$ to fall off.
Gonna start a new job tomorow at a archaelogical site, I know I`m gonna dig it.
Did you hear about the Cannibal that "passed" his Uncle in the Jungle?...............
I had no plans on looking sexy today, but sh!t happens.
Did 4 push ups & 2 sit ups then ate 4 doughnuts & drank 2 beers. It`s called balance people!
Imagine taking your girlfriend to your friends house for the 1st time, and her phone automatically connects to his password protected wifi.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
1st woman on the Moon.. Houston we have a problem What? Never mind What`s the problem? Nothing Please tell us? You know what the problem is.
Really offended that these microwave instructions told me to turn my burrito over gently like I don`t treat every burrito with the utmost respect
I paid My 11 year old $10 to do the dishes, then on her way to the bathroom I mugged her...because, you know, life lesson.
Don`t judge a man by how low his pants hang below his a$$...just kidding, that`s a great reason to judge someone.
Onion rings are vegetables. And the Large size counts as two servings.
The reason why women will never be the ones to propose is because as soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants
Roses are red, violets are blue. I hate you bye