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If Miley doesn`t get her sh!t together, all these Hannah Montana collectibles are never gonna get my kids through college.
As a kid, i was afraid of the dark. Now as an adult, I love the dark because I am terrified of the electrical bill.
Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
The phrase, “Don’t take this the wrong way” has a zero percent success rate.
I was sitting in traffic the other day. That’s probably why I got run over.
I used to be a terrible flirt ... I am much better at it now.
Please, if I ever offend you, it’s because I meant to.
I’m pretty sure putting time limits on when breakfast is served is unconstitutional.
I have an amazing psychic ability to find objects just before people lose them. Unfortunately, the police call it theft.
It`s only October 3rd and I`ve already beaten the sh!t out of two motion activated skeletons at store entrances.
If you think about it, before the first mirror was invented, if you didn’t live near a body of water, you had no idea what you looked like.
I don`t get nearly enough credit for managing not to be a violent psychopath
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I`m the proud owner of aisle 7.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"
If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?