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I`ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
What I do when I black out is none of my business.
I hate to admit it, but I’ve got a serious drinking problem. I don’t have any more money to buy liquor.
My advice for pretty much anything that`s broken is "did you try and jiggle it?".
I`m not a control freak. I just know what`s best...for everyone.
Every novel is a mystery novel if you never finish it
I`m putting more thought into my Halloween costume than into my job.
Holiday Tip #236: When hosting a covered dish holiday dinner where everyone brings something, never put a skinny person in charge of desserts.
I`m undecided about which pants to wear today...Smarty of Fancy?
So far, I`ve had exactly "call my ex" number of beers tonight!!!
Somewhere out there is a guy named Joe whose greatest achievement is that he was a really sloppy eater.
I have a dream that one day I won`t have to work on MLK Day.
Interviewer: Give an example of a difficult scenario & how you handled it. Me: I poured a bowl of cereal, but had no milk. I used ice cream.
Sorry I said "nice phone" when you showed me a photo of your baby.
I didn`t know until this week that so many people I know are politicians...