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Ask your doctor if walking blindly into traffic is right for you
Welcome to Alzheimer`s Club. I see a lot of new faces today.
People treat New Year’s like some sort of life changing event. If your life sucks today, it’s probably still going to suck tomorrow ... Just sayin
That awkward moment when your sarcasm is so advanced people think you`re stupid.
You can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesn`t come back, what you`ve lost is a regular pigeon.
Oh, you think you have relationship problems? Try separating me from my bed in the morning...
I wish you could Google anything. Like, "Where is my phone?" and it would be like, "It`s under the couch, dumba$$."
Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I`d say I`m about 74% Rice Krispies.
He said the spark between us was gone..so I tasered him..... Ill ask him again when he wakes up
I hate it when people exaggerate my mistakes and make it seem like I’ve commited a crime.
Me blacking out when I`m drunk is God`s way of telling me that what I do when I drink is none of my business.
If you are what you eat then where is this place that a ton of people are eating stupid?
If Starbucks delivered, I would be a morning person.
Dear McDonalds cashier, Don`t give me that look, there`s no age limit on a happy meal. Sincerely, don`t forget the toy b!tch.
Some people are good listeners. Mostly, though, they`re just nodding and thinking about bacon.