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I’d tell you what I’m doing but I’ve learned from other evil villains not to announce my plans first.
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you’re doing it.
Black Friday is the second closest thing to a zombie apocalypse except they want sales instead of brains.
I`ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn`t just put the dots in the shape of the actual letters.
I woke up this morning and my "check liver" light was on.
Dear grumpy people: donuts are only $.99
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
I like how flies rub their hands together like tiny criminals
The only way I know if I’ve bought enough beer is if my car thinks I have a passenger.
I can`t fall asleep because I am too excited for Christmas
The only thing worse than having it rain after you wash your car is have to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.
You know it`s time to get a girlfriend when you masturbate in different positions
If all men are created equal then why are there midgets?
How many Snickers are an acceptable meal replacement?
The hardest part of carving a pumpkin nowadays is finding some newspaper to spread