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Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I`m hoping that she`s having an affair.
"No I don’t need any help. I know more about booze than you do" - Me to the liquor store clerk
My friends most commonly describe me as "who?"
if you hold a dinner fork really close to your eyes, you can pretend that they`re in jail
When you drink Vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure, When you drink Rum over ice, it can give you liver failure, When you drink Whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems, When you drink Gin over ice, it can give you brain problems. Apparently, ice is really bad for you.
Success is 1% inspiration, 98% perspiration and 2% attention to detail.
"Ramen". - Scooby Doo, finishing a prayer
If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the trip.
I`m reading a book on anti-gravity. It is impossible to put down.
I got BOMBED last night and decided to do my own taxes and guess what! I`m getting 4 million dollars back this year!
My cats always look at me like I should have planned something for us to do.
I`m the type of person that would thrive in solitary confinement.
People who go rock climbing: you know you don`t have to, right
People who get offended on the internet are the same people who take mini golf seriously.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.