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At what point in potty training do you give the child a toy smartphone?
I just realized there are more toes in the world than people
Somebody has to be awesome…might as well be me.
A plus side to being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas and I won’t judge you because I too will be in my pajamas.
Never say "piece of cake!" to me. Unless there is, indeed, a piece of cake involved.
Ladies, don`t say that men never listen... We can tell you every word of what was said during an NFL pregame or in-game broadcast.
If you get pulled over in a Smart Car for speeding, you should get a standing ovation, not a ticket.
I know she`s talking about rain but I don`t like hearing my mom say she got 6 inches
Scratch and Sniff Here [____] …Smells like glass, doesn’t it
It’d be hilarious to release a gorilla in a gorilla suit at the mall and see the look on security’s face when they pull off the mask.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
I saw my ex girlfriend broken down with two flat tires this morning which made me late for work... Nine times I drove past before she noticed me laughing at her.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
I live like I type, fast and with lots of mistakes!
I see you’re playing stupid. Looks like you’re winning too.