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Tomorrow I will live in the moment, unless it`s unpleasant, in which case I will eat a cookie.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky men that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped her.
Wait, there`s a "wrong hole"?
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
That awkward moment when the automatic flushing toilet goes off when you`re still sitting down.
I`d rather run a marathon than listen to someone talk about running a marathon.
If you have no internet history you silently admit wrong doing.
I can tell by your boobs that you`ve never seen a bar tab.
"We`d be rich if you just said one f*cking word" - me, drunk, talking to my dog
Yelling "give me back my panties, you pervert" at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
People who enjoy life, rarely have a flat stomach.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn`t mean to answer the call.
My new diet plan consists of multiple naps. Because you can`t stuff your face when you`re sleeping.