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Wrapping these baby carrots in Tootsie Roll wrappers is exhausting but the payoff will be worth it come Halloween.
That awkward moment when you give the same Hallmark card two years in a row.
I am out of wine, so I ate a bag of grapes and threw myself down the stairs.
Man, that .01% of germs that can´t be killed by hand sanitizer must be some bad a$$ sh!t
Nothing changes a Facebook relationship status faster than a weekend full of tagged photos!
Valentine’s Day is in 4 days so if you are secretly in love with me I suggest you reveal it now.
I hate it when people rub things in my face... unless it`s two boobs.
My favorite form of lying to myself is choosing a deodorant scent that contains the words `active` or `sport` in it`s name
Does this 50 pound bag of cat food make me look single?
*Knocks on door* Hey open up. You didn`t reply to my last 43 inbox messages & then you updated about a guy who keeps annoying you. You need help?
The filling in this fortune cookie tastes like paper...
The best part of my divorce was how I woke up and I hadn`t done anything wrong
Sometimes, I question my sanity ... Sometimes, it replies
I gave my wife my email address but she keeps on speaking directly to me.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.