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The only way you can be right in an argument with a woman is by admitting you`re wrong.
My panic room is a walk-in beer cooler at the liquor store.
the difference between people and celebreties ...... celebreties don`t have a routine
If only my ceiling fan could hold my weight, then I would never be bored again.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
When life hands you lemons it should only remind you to buy more tequila, life is as simple as that.
Just bent over to pick up a beer that rolled out of the fridge and realized yoga is exhausting
Drunk me absolutely loves creating awkward encounters for sober me.
If it`s the thought that counts ... Then I should probably be in jail
I was fired from my job at the sperm bank for saying "get a load of this guy" every time someone walked in
Bacon has protein. Spinach has protein. Bacon is a vegetable.
I bet heroin addicts can open a Capri sun on the first try.
Two things that most people want. 1. Lose weight 2. Eat
A morning text from me doesn`t mean "good morning". It means "I`m having very dirty thoughts about you right now".
True love is when you burn your tongue when you take a bite from a pizza and you still keep eating it.