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I feel bad for kids nowadays who can`t get the toys they want because their parents have to be 18 or older to call.
Condom slogan: Wrap it in latex or she`ll get your paychecks.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Me: spends 12 hours comparing teams before completing NCAA bracket, loses $50. GF: Spends 5 minutes picking teams with "cute" mascot names, wins $1000.
Halloween always exposes my weakness for Milk Duds, I am powerless. Tomorrow I will attend MDA, Milk Duds Anonymous
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Who ever said technology will replace paper.....has obviously never tried wiping their a$$ with an IPAD.
Most women desire someone who makes them laugh and also feel safe, so basically a clown ninja.
Online personality tests are pretty self-explanatory… If you’re taking the test, chances are you don`t have one.
Diet Tip #63 : Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour.
"I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? `cause I smell carrots..." ~ Snowmen.
Your screenshots of text message conversations tell me: 1. you have a great sense of humor 2. to never trust you
My last boyfriend used to smile and say "I love you" to me every morning as he left for work. At least I think that`s what he was saying. It can be tricky to lip read through binoculars.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
This movie has "adult content"? So, they`re gonna complain about back pains and setting up a 401k?