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My fitness goal is to weigh what I told the DMV I weigh.
In marijuana`s defense, I`m lazy as sh!t completely sober too.
I`ve been waxing my car for twenty years and I still don`t know karate.
I`m 5`5" and a HALF. I think men should be pretty impressed that I consider half inches very important when measuring things.
I`ve been hiding from exercise. I`m in the fitness protection program.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
I like to fill my medicine cabinet with marbles before I invite people over.
Trying to understand women is like trying to smell the color 8.
I`m surprised kids haven`t found a way to trick or treat online yet
“we should hang out soon” loosely translates to I’m doing everything in my power to end this stupid conversation.
Adult: A person who has stopped growing at both ends and is now growing in the middle.
Yes... I repost. Isn`t that kinda the point? Spread the love and shit? Mostly shit... But that`s your fault...
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I had a very confident breakdown today. ...Wasn`t nervous at all. ;)
You call it reckless driving, I call it searching for my lighter.