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Sawing a hole in the bottom of a table to steal someone`s cake is way harder than it looks on cartoons.
Just saw someone holding a sign that said "Honk 2 impeach Obama" You`d think the process to impeach a president would be more complicated
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
I`m pretty sure some of you just drag your face across the keyboard and hit send.
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they`re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
I don`t have an inner child. I have an inner old person who wants everyone to shut up.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I remind myself that you cant always trust Google maps
I just watched a documentary on marijuana. I think all documentaries should be watched this way.
I would like to think I will die a heroic death, but it`s more likely I`ll trip over my dog and choke on a spoonful of frosting.
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
You`re either part of the solution, or you`re one of my coworkers.
Actually, I prefer to smile on the `inside`, then no one knows what you`re up to....
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
She caught my iphone before it hit the ground... She`s definitely my screensaver