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All I`m saying is one of us is right and the other one is you.
My Doctor says I`m a serious alcoholic, but I think I`m more of a funny alcoholic.
Is going to bed! Hopefully the Cleaning Fairies will come and clean my house tonight! Wishful Dreaming i guess!
"It`s not a pyramid scheme" is a phrase almost exclusively used by people involved in pyramid schemes
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
Helpful Tip: When your wife ask whats on TV, don`t say dust.
If you don`t like me now, you won`t like me later because I just get worse.
Forgets to set alarm, wakes up 3 days later.
First thing I do in the morning: Look at the clock and hope I have more time to sleep.
Every time I visit my parents, I send the kids in first so they can signal me if it`s an intervention.
Don`t ask me what I did today, neither of us want to hear it out loud.
Someone asked an old man: "After 70yrs you still call your wife Darling, Honey and Luv. What`s the secret?"... Old man: I forgot her name 10 yrs ago & I`m scared 2 ask her.
Crayons are a lot like M & M`s, all the colors taste the same.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms: LOL - Lucifer Our Lord, BRB - Burn Religious Books, TBH - Tell Beelzebub Hi