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I`m here to pick you up when you fall. Whether I tripped you is another thing...
If you watch Intervention backwards, it`s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
I have been left unsupervised yet again. This usually leads to trouble & other bad things, please have bail money ready and keep your phone on.
Meetings are 20% small talk, 5% what the meeting is about and 75% wasting everyone’s time.
"This is the ride that killed Jimmy." - me in a long line, loudly, at amusement parks
thinks whoever said, "All men are created equal", obviously has never been to a nude beach!!
It`s possible you drank too much if you have to wait until your court appearance to find out what the hell happened that night
There`s a word for people like you ... "leave"
I`d like to give a big shout-out to all my hard of hearing friends!
I`m combining Easter and April Fools day this year - I`m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven`t hidden.
If you`re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
Watch out! It’s quite possible some of my best mistakes haven’t been made yet.
No one understands you better than some crazy weirdos on the internet.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
If couples who are in love are called `love birds.` Then couples who always argue should be called `angry birds.`