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One quality I`m not looking for in a partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm. #FarmVille
Just seen the new Batman shampoo in Costco. I can`t believe they haven`t paired it up with a conditioner Gordon.
Who needs a social life when you have Netflix and a fridge full of food?
The hardest thing about looking for work is the sobriety.
My husband told me that he would leave me if I didn`t give up all my bad habbits.....I nearly choked on my toe nail!
In case of fire, do not use the elevator. Use water...
Old enough to know better, young enough to take a dare...
Interviewer: Have any weaknesses? Me: Bullets I: No, I mean… M: Knives I: I don’t think y… M: probably evil dragons I: … M: Focusing.
If someone tells you “it’s better than sex” they’re not doing the sex right.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. "How`s it going?", "How about the weather?", "Where are your pants?".
I am as lazy as the guy who designed the Japanses Flag
Uses for the plastic ruler..... 5% to draw stright lines 95 % to hit people.
I wish people`s voices actually sounded the way they do when their spouse or partner imitates them during an argument.
One day on Mercury lasts about 1,408 hours. About the same as a common Monday on Earth.