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Corduroy boxing gloves deliver the best punchlines.
Men are like dogs. We’re excited to see you and have no clue what you’re mad about.
Akward Moment Is When Your Twin Sister Calls You Ugly(:
Tequila. For those nights you just want to pretend she`s hot.
The most powerful I ever feel is waving pedestrians to walk in front of my car. "Go forth, and trust that I will not kill you."
After meeting me... my therapist is now in therapy...
Roasting marshmallows is great because it combines dessert and playing with fire.
You laugh because you think it’s a joke. I laugh because you think I’m joking.
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
"Lets hang out sometime" -liars.
Woke up to my teen cleaning the house for "no reason" and now I have a mystery to solve.
Apparently a teen in Brazil died after jerking off 42 times without stopping. So incase you were wondering. ...41, guys,...that`s the limit.
I ate 4 cans of alphabet soup, and just took probably the biggest vowel movement ever
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok