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If my computer desktop were an actual place, they would bring in blindfolded people to make a Febreeze commercial.
something about today makes me want to be hungover tomorrow
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
Telling my kids that the Titanic sunk because Jack and Rose had sex before marriage
If you have to ask if it`s too early to drink wine...You`re an amateur and we can`t be friends.
One thing I`ve learned about women is they prefer that I don`t speak
Good news I passed my drug test today. But now my drug dealer has some explaining to do.
Dating a single mother is like pressing continue on some one elses saved game
Am I getting older or is the supermarket starting to play some great songs?
Here`s a crazy concept, maybe I`m not in a bad mood, angry, or a bitch. Maybe I said it because it`s true and I meant it. Marinate on that.
my phone battery lasts longer than relationships this days !
People be like… I will love you unconditionally on one condition.
Being sick is your bodies way of saying “Hey, you really need to catch up on some TV”.
If your girlfriend says she`s going out to run some errands and comes back with 6 bags from the mall...You might be dating my wife.
One day I hope the bravery of the people who initiate clapping is recognized.