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Just for fun, next time you see a snooty, rich woman at the grocery store, ask her if she works there.
I don`t smoke,i don`t drink,don`t do drugs. I only have one small problem, i lie.
The bible says you can`t buy your way into heaven but there isn`t a church in the country that won`t encourage you to try.
happy 3rd birthday to the tartar sauce in my fridge
I`ve been struggling with my laziness. I can`t decide if I should sit down and do nothing or lie down and do nothing.
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub. There`s liquor and you can`t hear them.
Guns don`t kill people. Fathers with beautiful daughters do.
I’m not a comedian. I don’t tell jokes. I just tell the truth in a way it sounds funny.
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
Just so you know, I am already planning on being an a$$hole tomorrow.
If someone asks for advice, just tell em to follow their heart. No idea what that sh!t means but at least they`re not talking to you anymore.
I do my best proofreading after I hit send.
I like to stop the microwave with 1 second to go. Makes me feel like a bomb defusal expert.
If at first you don’t succeed, you shouldn’t diffuse bombs.