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Sandals or shoes? I have adorable toes. All 12
Non alcoholic beer is like a porn movie on the radio
Highway to Hell is a great song because you can play it at both your wedding and your funeral.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
If you allow your pets to roam free in our neighborhood, I’m gonna put party hats on em. This is non-negotiable.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
"Just so you know, you`re coming home with me tonight." I whisper to all the leftover food on the table from our dinner date.
I’d be unstoppable if it wasn’t for law enforcement and physics.
I love everybody. Some I love to be around, some I love to avoid, and others I love to punch in the face.
Do these people in movies who wander off into the woods alone at night not watch movies?
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today. Pretty sure she`s going to get me something.
I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.
Its so hot I used my blow dryer as a cooling fan!
I like to start my day by taking a shower, having some coffee and going online for 14-16 hours.