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I just saw a giant spider in my room so I sprayed it with hairspray. It`s not dead, but its hair looks fabulous.
"I don`t care if you think it sounds gross, that`s what we`re calling it" -Guy who named the sweater.
Gym update: not there
Being an adult is basically a "choose your own adventure" book, but every choice sounds terrible.
People hear my southern accent and automatically assume I`m stupid. Let me tell you something right now. That is just a coincidence.
The songs I like always come on when Iām supposed to be getting out of my car.
Now that I know how many calories there are in a pint of beer , I have decided to stop eating.
I like to stand 20 ft in front of the Walmart greeter and greet people before he gets a chance.
While wearing a bikini you show 90% of your body -But men are so polite, that they stare only at the covered places.
I`ve been hiding from exercise ... I`m in the fitness protection program.
The one who laughs last is the slowest. The one who laughs first has the dirtiest mind.
insert coin to view my status
I drink my coffee out of a clear mug so people know where my tolerance level is at.
If you love something, set it free. Maybe not dogs with rabies though. Or killer bees or pretty much any domesticated animal into the wild. Lots of stuff really. Look, the point is don`t love anything.
There are 2 kinds of coworkers. The ones who keep iPhone 5 chargers at their desks and the ones whose names I don`t know.