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I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
It`s annoying how when you go to the orchestra, there`s always that one wasted dude up front swaying and waving his arms around the whole time
Boss: "Thanks for the coffee. You know what`d go well with this?" Me: "The antidote?" Boss: "No, a donu...Wait, what?" Me: "Nothing"
Growing up and becoming an adult was the worst decision I’ve ever made.
Unless life hands you water and sugar, your lemonade is gonna suck.
Apparently members of the Westboro Baptist Church were outside a theater when the marquee gave way and came crashing down injuring several of them amidst their protest. Witnesses overhead many of the members muttering to themselves, "It must be a sign."
"We attack at dawn!" - Hangovers
When ur mom Calls and u have a party at ur house you; shut up!! Answers phone you; hi mommy!
When you wear cowboy clothes, are you ranch dressing?
I wish I was as skinny as I was the first time I thought I was fat.
You’ll never get the same results running in place as you will running from a lion.
90% of parenting is just screaming at your kids to stop screaming.
My boyfriend isn`t allowed to break up with me. You wanna see other people? Look out the window.
I use my imagination to solve problems. And by imagination, I mean booze.
Dear single guys; open a pet shop selling cats. Let the single ladies come to you.