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I end a sentence with "just sayin" because ending it with "dumbass" would be offensive.
Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.
I usually don`t argue with the doctor but I don`t think "Batshit Crazy" is a legitimate medical term.
My wife thinks I`m at work. My boss thinks I`m home sick. These ducks think I`m awesome because I have the bread.
I don`t have ADD. It`s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Panick, chaos, anarchy... my work here is done.
Home is where I can look ugly and enjoy it.
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Life tip: if someone comes out of a bathroom sweating, do not go in that bathroom.
The only sit up I do is the one I use to get out of bed.
So far this is the oldest I`ve ever been.
Facebook stalking? BAH! In my day, we used to root through people`s garbage.
People who think only god can judge them have obviously never hung out with my friends.
Wife really liked the "sex anytime, anywhere" coupon I gave her. Probably should have specified "with me"