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Tis the season to throw your diet out the window.
Saying, "We need to talk," is the most efficient way to freak someone out
My job description does not include farting on everyone else`s office chairs but I still do it because INITIATIVE.
Sometimes, when people are talking to me, I daydream about what they would do if I suddenly punched them in the face.
lord, we beg you for tupac, and in return you can have justin bieber
My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away.
May your life someday be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
Guy at Dairy Queen was yelling at everybody because they didn`t have waffle cones but they had pictures of waffle cones. That guy was me.
Did you know you can buy live lobsters? Anyway, can I use your shower mine is full of lobsters.
Life is just a series of obstacles preventing you from taking a nap.
I`m only gonna have one beer. At a time. Until all the beer is gone.
It only takes one person to ruin it for everyone...Be that person.
At least a stalker is there for you.
I´m thankful for Facebook. Before, I would just scream out my thoughts to anyone who would listen.