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My daughter just explained to me that these dinner postings were not real invites. I have to apologize to all my friends out there for showing up last week.
Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
If you hold out your arms like Frankenstein when walking in a leg brace, people let you cut in line at Starbucks.
When they say " drink responsibly ", what they really mean is "don`t f***in spill it!"
One of the greatest things about owning a dog is how happy they are to see you even though you just stepped out of the house for 30 seconds.
The first half of our lives is ruined by our parents. The second half will be ruined by our children
If it was the other way around, I doubt one cat would take in 23 old ladies.
We all have faults. It`s just that mine are better than yours.
If I look tired at the end of the day, it`s because I just spent eight solid hours looking busy.
The awkward moment when you’re not sure if something is your actual memory or if your brain made it up.
Sir, no food allowed in the dressing rooms.` ... what, am I supposed to just guess the pop tart capacity of these cargo shorts before I buy?
Here`s a fun idea: Before your next party or get together, buy some liver and other cuts of meat. Put them in clear containers and put labels on them with random names ("Clarice", "Richard", etc). Then put them in your refrigerator. For even more fun, put some empty containers beside the fridge with your friends` names on them....
Folks, there`s no need to say GOODNIGHT on Facebook. NO ONE will be thinking " hey where did they go".
Unless you are selling Thin Mints, don’t ever knock on my door.
Yo fellas, how did that “wow” comment you left on that girls Facebook picture play out?