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Her: Do I look fat? Him: Do I look stupid?...
When someone is in a bad mood, I like to help matters by pointing out several times that they seem to be in a bad mood.
That microwavable meal was delicious and filling! – no one ever
Okay so the pregnant woman in the library didn`t get my `overdue` joke.
Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! Shhh! -Librarians arguing
Well, the people outside are frightful.
Send a man to the store to get 5 items, he will come home with 4. Send a woman to the store to get 5 items she will come home with 54. Its science.
Just saw a cop that had a U-Haul pulled over on the side of the road. Obviously he was trying to bust a move.
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
Are you reading this from a toilet? I`m writing this from one.
I hate waiting until I`m dead. I want to haunt people now dammit.
Man:Hello doc, my wife is having a baby. Doctor:Is this the first child? Man:No, it`s the husband speaking.
She texted me: "Your adorable.". I replied: "No, you`re adorable." Now she thinks I like her. All I did was point out her typo!
There should be a mercy rule for how many pics a girl can upload from her vacation.
Backseat drivers are the worst. They`re always like "the light is red!" and "don`t text and drive!" and "oh god, I think that was a person!"